Feature Length Spec

[GREATwarEAGLE]

Here's page one of a completed feature length screenplay I've written, registered with the Writer's Guild.
I'm not mentioning the title.

Read it.
Ignore it.
Praise it.
Hate it.
---------------------------------------------------------

BLACK

Music muffled by a lively bar crowd is blaring from inside
nearby. Brief amplification as a door is heard flying open,
crunching footsteps stomp into the gravel.

A nearby car door is opened then slammed shut. Ignition
fires-up, tires peel, spitting asphalt. The car speeds away,
engine roaring, fading away.

INT. CAR - NIGHT

Dark. Silhouetted, the unidentifiable DRIVER speeds towards
an overpass. A green sign: NEWARK INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT NEXT
RIGHT hangs from the oncoming structure. He shoots through,
crossing a narrow bridge.

An off ramp leads to a haunting stretch of road. In the
distance a faint light becomes recognizable as a green
traffic light.

He reaches the middle of the intersection. SMASH!
Broadsided by an unseen vehicle. It's a loud, hard collision.

The thundering impact spins the car around, windows breaking,
metal bending, tires screeching. The Driver is tossed around
like a sock puppet. As the car skids an abrupt thud tosses
it once over, landing upside down. It teeters to a stop.

The chaos settles. Peace. Silence. No movement from the
Driver. He's sprawled out through the broken passenger's
side window. Upper body spread outside, legs mangled inside.

There's no way he survived.

CUT TO:

"FIVE YEARS BEFORE THE ACCIDENT"

INT. HOTEL BAR LOUNGE - NIGHT

It's early. Only a handful of PEOPLE scatter about. A LOCAL
BAND does their sound check while TOBEY CARPENTER, 19, good-
looking white boy, chills at the bar with his FATHER, 47.

TOBEY'S FATHER
You know we're playin every night
this week. Four hotels. You gonna come?

TOBEY
I dunno. Got homework.

[steven_craig]

not bad at all [img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img]

i like the idea, seems a bit 'anti drink-driving' campeign - no offence - cause some ads are really good

[deanl]

Hey there.

Seems ok. I cant see where any of its going though. I think there is a little to much description of the car crash. Its not needed. Cut it back and save space.

"The Driver is tossed around
like a sock puppet."

what is that all about?

Despin out.

[GREATwarEAGLE]

Thanks.
"anti-drunk driving" - that's interesting. The assumption that the driver is drunk is all yours (or anyone elses).
And believe me, no offense taken, ever. Anyone can feel free to speak their mind, no matter how harsh.

here's page 2.
---------------------------------------------------------------


TOBEY'S FATHER
Shiiit. Last time you did homework
was when I took your mother to the
opera.

TOBEY
You never took Mom to te opera.

TOBEY'S FATHER
Exactly.

They laugh. They drink. Father and son.

A THIRTYSOMETHING DOLL comes from behind Dad. She nibbles on
his ear, winks at Tobey.

TOBEY'S FATHER
Whoa. Tobey, have you met...

DOLL
...Alyssa.

TOBEY'S FATHER
Alyssa?

TOBEY
(laughs)
What's up?

She doesn't respond, working her way to Dad's mouth.

LATER

The lounge is standing room only. The band starts to play.
Tobey watches his old man on drums from the bar. It amuses him.

Then, a CUTE BLONDE, not much older than Tobey, orders a
drink beside him. She leans back, enjoys the music.

TOBEY
See the drummer? My old man.

CUTE BLONDE
Really? They're not bad.

Tobey's Father goes nuts on drums. The crowd eats it up.
Tobey and the Blonde drink and flirt.

[wahiba]

[img]confused.gif[/img] It seems like the start of too many films.

Also the flashback thing is being done to death (no pun intended)

[img]smile.gif[/img] As a consolation it is more than I have managed, so feel free to ignore!

[GREATwarEAGLE]

eightmovies, I agree with everything you said. Yes, at first glance and on the surface, I'm serving up some cliches. But that's the problem with reading only sections of a screenplay (or any piece of literature) - everything is out of context.

But if you think I'm using a flashback for the sake of a flashback or because I'm too lazy to maintain a completely linear story, guess again. But the chances of me proving this point are slim because that would entail providing my entire script - and I don't know about that.

The only thing I can say is, take my word for it, the story begins exactly as it does for a reason.

Nonetheless, keep those negative comments coming. I welcome them as much as the positive.

[GREATwarEAGLE]

3.

LATER

Lost in the drunken crowd, the Cute Blonde and Tobey consume
one another. His hands slip under her jeans as she sucks on
his neck.

HOTEL HALLWAY

Tobey unlocks the door. She lifts up his shirt. They fumble
inside, locking the door behind them.
"DO NOT DISTURB"

INT. DIFFERENT BAR LOUNGE - DIFFERENT NIGHT

Dad's band is in the middle of the same song as Tobey clings
to a SLIM BRUNETTE. They back peddle from the dance floor
to the...

RESTROOM

...and crash into a stall, frenzied, as she unzips him. She
kicks the door shut but their motion is visible through the
cracks.

An up and down rhythm.

INT. DIFFERENT HOTEL - DIFFERENT NIGHT

Tobey lies shirtless on his back as a RED HEAD licks her way
down to his jeans. She unbuckles him as HER TWIN crawls onto
the bed and dives in.

INT. DIFFERENT HOTEL LOUNGE - DIFFERENT NIGHT

Dad's band finish's up their song. Strong applause as this
wraps it up. Tobey is seated at the bar, applauding, with a
VOLUPTUOUS LATINA on his lap.

LATER

The lounge has pretty much hollowed out as the Band Members
dismantle their sh*t. Tobey's Flavor of the Evening has him by
the hand.

They reach the bar where they find ERIKA, Tobey's Mother, 36, tragic.

ERIKA
Oh look. It's my flesh and blood.
A true creation of unconditional
love.

TOBEY
What are you doin' here?

[wahiba]

[img]wink.gif[/img] Well, as you obviously have a thick skin.

Is the title to be 'Cliche' because the next bit seems to be straight out of the average soap opera.

It reads like the efforts of a sex mad (normal) teenager who has not got to hand it in for marking.

Stand back. Look at the market. What do people want? All great artists are in it for the money. They only go potty when they have made their pile.

Try reading some stories written in the 19th century, and earlier. There is a mine of potential there that could be brought into a modern context. Billy Shakepear has ben done to death - just check out some of those old moth eaten novels that can be acquired for peanuts. so long as they have been dead for at least 70 years you can rip them off as much as you like.

[img]smile.gif[/img] Anyhow, and do not be put off by wazaks like me. I cannot even guess the right six numbers for the lottery! [img]smile.gif[/img]

[GREATwarEAGLE]

4.

ERIKA
What? Can't I show support for my
Knight in shining armor?

TOBEY
Jesus you're drunk.

ERIKA
I gotta be somethin. Your
girlfriend's a model. Your
father's a rock star. And your
a...whatever you are.

TOBEY
Whatever I am? Hey, you put me
here, babe. Half a me is you.

ERIKA
And I'll never forget that magical
evening you were conceived. My
God - Celestial Divinity.

Tobey grabs her arm, yanks her off the stool.

TOBEY
Alright. I'm taking you home.

He drags her outside. Her reluctance leads to an argument on
display through the window. A muted shouting match.

Then it gets serious. Something she says changes Tobey's
demeanor instantly. He is frozen. She stumbles away,
leaving her son devastated. He returns inside.

TOBEY
Anyone. Anyone know where...my
dad...?

SOME GUY
Keith Moon? I wouldn't bother
him. He's throwin up in the
bathroom.

Tobey ignores the warning and heads into the bathroom. After
a moment he bolts out, frantic.

TOBEY
Oh christ!

5.

MOMENTS LATER

Red and blue lights from outside flash throughout the lounge.
People huddle around as PARAMEDICS rush Tobey's Father out
of the men's room on a gurney. Tobey watches his father
convulse.

Sirens scream as...

EXT. URBAN STREET - DAY

...A COP CAR pulls over onto the sidewalk. The sirens stop
as an OFFICER emerges. TWO OTHER COPS escort DARNEL
ALECKSON, 19, tough black youth, out of his run-down
brownstone. The First Officer restrains Darnel's hysterical
GIRLFRIEND, crying uncontrollably, as she shouts a Darnel.

Their 3 year old SON stands by in wonder.

Darnel is placed in the back seat of one the cars. When
the car door shuts, it's loud, like...

INT. PRISON - NIGHT

...a prison gate slamming shut. Locked down.

A GUARD completes his rounds and signals for ANOTHER GUARD
to join him in the

MAINTENANCE ROOM

The Guard grabs a baggy of pills from his pocket, takes one
for himself, one for his pal.

DARNEL'S CELL

Darnel counts a wad of twenties, wincing in minor pain as his
CELL-MATE begins to tattoo his bare back. Both Guards
leisurely pass by with subtle acknowledsment.

CUT TO:

INT. PRISON - VISITATION - DAY

As Darnel enters he and a Guard make a brief, discreet,
unnoticed transaction of some sort in the blink of an eye.

Darnel has a seat at the booth. His arms now covered in
tattoos. He speaks on the phone with a WOMAN, late 40's,
only seen in the reflection of the window that divides them.

[GREATwarEAGLE]

6.

WOMAN
I don't enjoy being here. This place
makes me sick. And so do you.
So I'll make this brief. My daughter
is through with you. She packed
up and got on a plane.

He doesn't seem to care.

WOMAN
But she left your son with me, and
I've been doing my best to look
after him. But now, there's
nothing more I can do. Lately, he's
been in and out of the hospital.
And the doctors say this is going to
continue for most of his childhood.

Darnel begins to show a hint of sensitivity and interest,
which he tries to hide.

DARNEL
Hospital. What's wrong?

INT. AUTO GARAGE - NIGHT

A Japanese radio broadcast echoes throughout.

A BIG JAPANESE MAN, 50, enjoys sushi at a desk, as
another Japanese man, who will become to be known
as KENT, 19, expresses his dissatisfaction.

Japanese with subtitles:

KENT
I'll tell you what's wrong. I can't
do this anymore.

Big Man tosses a wad of cash at Kent.

7.

Kent shakes his head.

KENT
It's not about money anymore.

Big Man stops eating.

KENT
I'll finish what I started. Then
that's it.

Big Man laughs.

EXT. NIGHT CLUB - LATER

An awning bares Japanese characters in neon.

A pristine Dodge Viper parks nearby. As the COCKY DRIVER
exits, his Bruno Magli's splash in a puddle. His ESCORT hops
out with no trouble. He takes her by the arm. They argue
in Japanese as they enter the club.

In the upside down reflection of the puddle Kent approaches
the driver's side. He's working.

Lock is picked. Ignition is hot-wired. Car is gone.

INT. GARAGE - LATER

The door opens up as the Viper pulls in, parks. Kent steps
out. Big Man catches him on his way out.

BIG MAN
When I come back in the morning,
I want to see you that you've earned
what I've given you.

He leaves. Kent surveys the garage. The empty garage.

EXT. GARAGE - SUNRISE

Big Man pulls up in his Lexus. He waits as the door opens.
His jaw drops to his lap.There's nowhere for him to
go. The garage is filld to capacity.

At least a dozen automobiles. Luxury cars. Sport cars. All
late models. Shiny and new.

INT. KENT'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - MORNING

Kent flops into the room and into his bed. His girlfriend,
KIMIO, 19, is busy getting dressed, beginning her day as his
has just ended.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ July 05, 2003 01:46 AM: Message edited by: GREATwarEAGLE ]</font>